Our parents or caregivers are usually the first people we look to for love, reassurance and security. These early relationships can influence how we see ourselves, how we relate to others and what we come to expect from relationships.

But what happens when those relationships are difficult, or when some of our emotional needs aren't met?

Perhaps you grew up feeling that you had to keep everyone happy, that expressing your feelings might upset someone, or that you had to work hard to feel loved or accepted. Maybe you learned to put other people's needs before your own.

As children, we adapt to the environment we're growing up in. It may only be when we're adults, and find ourselves struggling in our relationships or feeling a certain way about ourselves, that we begin to wonder whether there might be a connection.

This doesn't mean that everything we struggle with comes from childhood, or that we need to blame our parents. But our early experiences can influence how we understand ourselves and respond to others.

How can childhood experiences affect us as adults?

As children, we depend on our parents or caregivers to help us understand the world and develop a sense of who we are. When we feel listened to, comforted and accepted, we may find it easier to believe that our feelings matter and that we can turn to others for support.

But when our experiences are different, we can learn other ways of managing relationships.

Perhaps a parent was critical or difficult to please. Maybe affection felt unpredictable, or there was little room for talking openly about feelings. Some children learn to be good, helpful or successful to gain approval. Others become very aware of a parent's mood and adjust their behaviour to avoid conflict.

These responses can help us manage difficult circumstances as children. But they can also follow us into adulthood, even when our circumstances have changed.

We might find ourselves trying to please everyone, struggling to express what we need or feeling anxious when someone seems disappointed in us. We may not understand why certain situations affect us so strongly.

Why do I find it difficult to feel good enough?

Many people struggle with the feeling of not quite being good enough, even when there is little evidence to support it.

Perhaps you put pressure on yourself, find it difficult to accept compliments or feel that whatever you achieve, you could have done better. You might be understanding towards others but much less forgiving towards yourself.

For some people, these feelings are connected to early experiences of criticism, high expectations or feeling that approval depended on getting things right.

If you grew up believing you had to meet someone else's expectations to feel accepted, you may have come to feel that simply being yourself isn't enough.

These beliefs can become so familiar that we barely question them. We simply assume we need to try harder, do more or be better.

It can be helpful to wonder where these expectations come from. Why do mistakes feel so difficult to tolerate? Why might disappointing someone leave us feeling so uncomfortable?

Why do I keep repeating the same patterns in relationships?

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship and wondered how you ended up in a familiar situation again?

Perhaps you put a lot of effort into keeping a relationship going, worry about whether someone cares about you or feel drawn to people who struggle to express their emotions.

Maybe you find it difficult to say what you really feel because you're worried about the other person's reaction. Or perhaps closeness makes you uncomfortable, even though part of you wants it.

Our early relationships can influence what feels familiar to us in adulthood. If affection was unpredictable, uncertainty in relationships may feel particularly difficult. If we had to work hard for approval, we might continue trying to earn it from others.

This doesn't mean our childhood determines who we become involved with. Relationships are complicated, and there are many reasons why we may find ourselves in certain situations.

However, it can be useful to become curious about the patterns we notice. Do you tend to put other people's needs before your own? Do you worry about being rejected? Do you feel responsible for keeping a relationship together, even when the other person isn't making the same effort?

When you feel responsible for everyone else's feelings

Some children become very aware of the emotional atmosphere at home. Perhaps you could tell when a parent was upset before they said anything, or learned to keep the peace and avoid arguments.

As adults, we may continue to feel responsible for other people's emotions. We might worry when someone seems unhappy, assume we've done something wrong or feel guilty about saying no.

Caring about others is a positive quality. The difficulty comes when we feel we must always put others first, or that someone else's unhappiness is our fault.

It can be worth asking ourselves what we imagine might happen if we don't try to fix things. Would we feel guilty? Would we worry that someone might be angry with us or withdraw from us?

Sometimes, these reactions tell us something about what we've learned to expect from relationships.

When our parents have hurt us

Our feelings towards our parents can be complicated. We may love them, appreciate what they have done for us and understand that they had their own difficulties. At the same time, we may feel hurt, angry or sad about our childhood experiences.

Holding these feelings together isn't always easy.

Perhaps you minimise what happened because you tell yourself that others had it worse. Maybe you feel guilty about being angry with a parent because you know they struggled themselves. You might believe that because they did their best, you shouldn't feel hurt.

But recognising your parents' difficulties doesn't mean dismissing your own experiences.

Two things can be true at the same time. We can understand the circumstances our parents were dealing with and still acknowledge that certain things were painful for us.

Perhaps there were things we needed as children that our parents weren't able to give us: emotional reassurance, encouragement to express ourselves or simply the feeling that our needs mattered.

Acknowledging this can bring up sadness, anger or guilt. It doesn't mean we have to blame our parents, confront them or make any particular decision about the relationship.

What matters is having space to explore our feelings honestly, without feeling that we have to protect someone else from them.

How can psychodynamic counselling help?

Psychodynamic counselling explores how our past experiences and relationships may influence the way we feel and behave in the present.

Sometimes, we react to situations in ways that are difficult to understand. We might become anxious when someone is disappointed with us, struggle to express anger or find it hard to believe we are worthy of care and affection.

A psychodynamic approach offers an opportunity to explore these experiences more deeply. Rather than looking only at what's happening now, we can consider whether there are connections with earlier experiences, relationships or feelings that have been difficult to make sense of.

This isn't about assuming that everything goes back to childhood or finding a single explanation for how we feel. It's about exploring your individual experiences and what they mean to you.

As we begin to recognise familiar patterns, we may also become more aware of the feelings beneath them. Perhaps anger feels unacceptable, expressing a need brings up guilt, or we find ourselves putting our own feelings aside without even noticing.

This approach provides a space to explore these experiences without needing to have all the answers. Sometimes, simply finding the words for something we've struggled to understand can be an important part of the process.

Over time, greater understanding may help us recognise when old patterns are influencing the present and consider how we might respond differently.

Change takes time, and understanding a pattern doesn't mean we will never fall back into it. But it can give us more room to reflect on our choices rather than automatically responding as we always have.

Can we change patterns that began in childhood?

If you've spent many years struggling with self-worth, feeling anxious in relationships or putting other people's needs first, it can be difficult to imagine things feeling different.

Although early experiences can have a lasting influence, they don't determine everything about our adult lives. We continue to develop through our relationships and experiences, and our understanding of ourselves can change.

Perhaps we begin to notice when we're agreeing to something we don't want to do, or when we're assuming that someone else's disappointment means we've done something wrong. We may start to recognise that feeling guilty doesn't necessarily mean we've done something bad.

These changes can take time, but greater awareness can help us understand our responses and consider new possibilities.

Understanding our childhood doesn't mean being defined by it. It can be a way of making sense of ourselves, including the parts of our lives that have felt confusing or difficult to change.

Finding a space to understand yourself

Perhaps you've recognised some of your own experiences in this blog post.

You might be wondering whether the difficulties you experience in your relationships, or the way you feel about yourself, could be connected to earlier experiences.

If you'd like to find out more about my approach, or explore whether counselling might be right for you, you're welcome to get in touch.

You don't need to have the answers before seeking counselling. Sometimes, we simply know that something doesn't feel right, or find ourselves returning to the same questions without reaching an answer.

Sessions are available online and by telephone to adults across the UK.